I could totally have this job:

I watch porn for a living. More specifically, I manage a proprietary database owned by a porn company, making schedules for cable porn. My job is to watch movies and decide whether we’re going to buy them, then write titles and synopses, and put everything into a schedule with plenty of variety. There are surprisingly strict rules for all those things.

When I make purchasing decisions, I look at whether the girls in the movie seem to be having fun. It doesn’t have to be professional quality, as long as the girls look like they’re really enjoying themselves. We’re open to a range of body types, but the girls do have to have pretty faces.

When I make the schedule, I have to make sure there’s a good mix of themes. Some of our themes are MILF, teen (which really features actresses who are 18 or just over), interracial, fetish, squirting, and male ejaculation. The most popular are probably interracial, and anything ejaculation-themed. Oh, and big cocks are always in.

The rules for titles are really involved — there are a lot of words you can’t say on TV. We have a whole folder at work containing all the rules. You can’t say cock, so I’ll say something like “big weiners” or “12-inchers.” You can’t say pussy, so I’ll say “pink.” I have to really have my finger on the pulse of what the current sex slang is. Lately I’ve been using “handy-j” a lot, for hand-job. Basically the goal is to have the title be as explicit as possible without breaking any rules. I prefer titles that clearly explain what happens in the film — like, say, “Horny Girls Having Sex.”